One year ago, I was sitting, uncomfortably pregnant in a casino parking garage, with our sleeping daughter in her carseat as my husband went to see if there was any room in the inn. I attempted to distract myself from the chilly weather by staring blankly at a New Year’s resolution to do list.

Prior to that day we had celebrated Christmas in Tahoe with my whole big family and it was joy-packed. But, leaving that vacation left me a bit lost.

In years past, I felt so excited about all of the possibilities the New Year grants and yet 2013 seemed too confusing and overwhelming to make any plans.

Beyond knowing we were welcoming a child in the summer, we were waiting to find out about my husband’s long list of job applications. After flying out for an interview in Colorado, we were anticipating hearing if he had beat out hundreds of others applying for the fellowship.

Packing up my house, leaving an incredible community of like-minded friends & food lovers and attempting to run Lilly’s Table in between, left me somewhat sad and defeated.

There were possibilities to look forward to, but I was too distracted by my sadness & confusion to truly dive into the happiness.

As I stared at the New Year to-do list, I wrote down how much I hated resolutions and feeling smug I vowed to simply ‘survive’ the year.

Yes. I allowed my full drama queen to come out.

But, that notion of ‘just survive’ stuck with me this past year better than any other resolution I have ever set. For better or worse, I struggled to grow past it.

Thankfully, life had magic in store for me.

That move to Colorado did happen. And we were welcomed with wide-open loving arms of friends who we dearly missed. Then, we found ourselves in a confusing housing market. This lead to a decision to buy our first home, with the help of a small investment I made years ago and my gracious parents. This was something we figured wouldn’t happen for many more years and we are overwhelmed with gratitude.

Next, we welcomed our son Zedekiah. This was a highlight for sure.

His birth was as uncomplicated and beautiful as one could hope for. He arrived hours after I picked my Mom up from the airport. We brought him home to meet both grandmothers when he was nearly five hours old.

As an additional blessing, he was born in the exact room and tub as his sister despite the fact that we had moved away from Colorado and had an incredible two year adventure elsewhere.

I remember the moments before he was about to join our world, I felt intense contractions that brought up flashes of the past nine months before my eyes like a nauseating movie spinning around my head. And with his arrival, all of that frustration seemed to melt as I looked at his sweetness and love.

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While my to do list  and busy-ness surrounding the needs of a young baby has increased, his happiness is contagious and I am left grateful.

More joys have happened, too. My daughter started pre-school and we watched her confidence and independence blossom. My husband received that exciting fellowship and is enjoying his work. My mother-in-law has joined us and as I type she is reading stories to my children, which not only gives them special grandma love, but her help allows me to write this and to work on a job I adore: Lilly’s Table.

My list of gratitudes through the big and not-so-big moments this year ended up being fairly endless despite my efforts to simply survive. Not everything was shiny & peachy, but the presence of those challenges made the bright spots more dazzling.

As this year closes, another “s” word keeps popping up in my mind: SURRENDER. And it is a word that feels so delicious and empowering. Especially, when I consider surrendering to joy and diving as deeply into that as my soul allows.

I write all of this for those who may be hesitating about what the year could bring. Especially, if this is a time when setting goals seems a recipe for failure as life has other plans for you.

If you are tempted to live your life simply surviving, if you only feel defenseless against your circumstances, I send you love and peace. And above all empathy. I also encourage you to surrender: To joy. To love. To everything that leaves you grateful.

In this past year, I dove a bit deeper into the work of Brene Brown an incredible shame researcher who I have followed for the past several years. I want to close with her inspiring quote about twinkle lights:

I think the beauty of twinkle lights is the perfect metaphor for joy.

Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments- often ordinary moments.

Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down the extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light.

A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable.

I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude and inspiration.                                   -Brene Brown

What about this past year has filled you with gratitude? What were the joys? Let us celebrate 2013 together as we bid this year farewell.

With love,

Chef Lilly